Identifying Toxic Relationships and the Impact They Have on Mental Health
At some point in our lives, we will probably experience or be in at least one toxic relationship. We can experience them with a romantic partner, with a friend, a family member, a co-worker, or even a neighbor. Toxicity and toxic relationships can (unfortunately) emerge in every area across all stages of life – but what is a toxic relationship?
Toxic relationships are characterized by “behaviors that are emotionally damaging” and are also defined as relationships that “can make you feel unsupported, misunderstood or demeaned in any way.” Essentially, a relationship is toxic if it threatens your well-being in some way, either physically, emotionally, or mentally. Along with the impact these relationships can have on mental health, it can also cause long-lasting trauma and hesitancy in future relationships, as well as an impact on one’s self-esteem.
Identifying signs of a toxic relationship can be easy – from the outside. Meaning if you’re not the one closest to the person presenting the toxic behavior, it may be easier for you to notice all the red flags as opposed to, say, your friend that is in a romantic relationship with the person. Or you could be the one in the relationship (romantic or platonic) and know something feels off but can’t identify the source(s) behind it. That is because while some signs of toxic behavior could be flashing neon, others are less obvious and harder to see.
Some of these signs could include:
· Feeling drained after interactions
· Frequent arguments
· Feeling as if you’re walking on eggshells when around them
· You feel constantly disrespected or that you’re not being taken seriously
· They bring out the worst side in you (or you in them)
· You give more than you get (i.e. the relationship being one-sided)
· Spending a lot of time trying cheer the other person up
· You are always to blame, no matter what the situation is
Say you have just read through this list and start to realize that you may currently be in a toxic relationship, whether it is a friend or with your partner. Or maybe you are already aware of it but aren’t sure what to do about it. Here are some tips on what you could do next, either to work towards a healthier relationship with this person or deciding whether it is best to just walk away.
1. Talk to the person. What sounds like it could be the easiest or most self-explanatory option is sometimes often the hardest one. Confrontation is not easy (for a lot of people, at least), and it can become even more difficult when it is someone you are incredibly close to. However, it is also important to communicate how you’re feeling and to discuss the issue or issues at hand. It may also be helpful to write down everything you want to discuss prior to having the conversation, as it can be easy to forget in the moment and/or when emotions are high.
2. Re-evaluate and reflect. You may now have had one or more conversations with this person, and it has gotten next to nowhere. While you may not be ready to throw in the towel, it can also be good to take a step back and re-evaluate. Look at how this relationship may affect your mental, emotional and overall well-being and reflect on what you may want from this relationship going forward.
Within this re-evaluation period, it may also be good to reflect on what behaviors you might be bringing to the relationship, yourself. Self-reflection can be a great and healthy way to become more in tune with yourself and your feelings, behaviors, etc., but self-reflecting on your part in the relationship does equate to self-blame. It simply means that you can take accountability for behaviors that may be contributing to a possible toxic relationship and actively working to either a.) fix the relationship or b.) leave.
3. Seek professional help. Say, at this point, you have had a conversation or even multiple conversations with this individual. You have set boundaries with this person, but they constantly ignore or disrespect them. It is at this stage you most likely want to seek professional advice. In fact, this is something you could even start with, prior to having a conversation with the person, especially if you’re not sure how to start the conversation or feel uncomfortable doing so. This is particularly important if the relationship is not only toxic, but abusive, as well (it is said that all abusive relationships are toxic, but not all toxic relationships are abusive).
A trained therapist, however, can help identify toxic behaviors within your relationship(s), but also to create and implement boundaries. They can help you with the best way to limit interactions with the person, if it is someone you can’t avoid (such as a co-worker, roommate, or family member), or help you plan the best way to leave the relationship, if possible and the best option. They can also teach you coping strategies, whether during or after leaving the relationship, and what to do when navigating such relationships in the future.
4. Give yourself (and others) grace. This is something I personally think is important for many reasons. First, we as individuals are usually harder on ourselves than anyone else in our lives. It doesn’t matter whether it is related to work, school, finances, personal health, and so on. I mean, if your friend made a mistake at work, you would be there to reassure them it wasn’t a big deal – but if we made a mistake at work, it feels like the end of the world. We can put the same pressure on ourselves (and sometimes on others) when it comes to relationships.
For example, you may have a friend that is clearly in a toxic relationship with their partner. It can be easy for you to say things you would do differently or how frustrating it is that they don’t see the red flags when you can see them from a mile away. While this could be the case, instead of criticizing or getting angry at your friend, try to support them in anyway you can. This could look anywhere from active listening to providing them with helpful resources (with their permission). Even if it is a close friend, you may not know all the reasons why they choose to stay in the relationship, but it is ultimately their decision on why and when to leave it.
This can be the case with anyone you meet or even recognizing the signs you are in one, yourself. While it can be the easiest thing to tell someone to “just leave” not everyone has the luxury to in the moment (or even a few years down the line). *It is also important to note here that we are talking about being part of a toxic relationship, not an abusive one. While both types of relationships can be harmful (toxic and abusive), if you know or even suspect someone is an abusive relationship, it is crucial to get help. One resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline at https://www.thehotline.org/ or 1-800-799-7233.
While experiencing conflict and disagreements within any relationship can be normal, if you find yourself having frequent/almost daily arguments or any of the other signs that are listed above, it is important to ask yourself if you could be in a toxic relationship. If you’re not sure, talking to someone you trust and/or someone who could give you professional advice, such as a therapist, is a good step forward. Remember that, while relationships in our life are important, not all are healthy, and some can have a serious impact on our mental, emotional and overall well-being.
Staff Blogger: Mollie Clupper
Mollie Clupper works for MHA as a Communications and Support Specialist. Using her own experiences, she wants to help bring awareness and end the stigma surrounding mental health. In her spare time, she enjoys hiking, drinking coffee, and spending time with loved ones.